Daring to Delve into Delicious Depths

**Disclaimer: My opinion does not de-value your relationship or marriage. Congratulations for you, sincerely! I am so happy you followed your heart and are living your ideal. I truly support people to live and express love exactly how THEY choose to, as long as it doesn't bring harm to another person. **

If you have talked to me lately or read any of my posts on facebook... you'll know that marriage, love, and relationships have been at the front of my mind. 

Not the want of getting into one...

But exploring what they actually mean, what they mean to me.

And before you get your hopes up that this blog post holds the answers and my findings, I still don't know. 

I feel like I've plunged into a huge deep unknown. 

From the time we are little, we are told that we grow up, go to college, get married, have kids. 

We play 'married' as children.. you be the mommy! I'll be the daddy! 

We are fed rules, boundaries, perceptions, expectations as to what our relationship should look like. 

When I tell people I'm not sure I'll ever get married (in a happy, light, very much okay way), I'm met with:

"Don't worry, love will come around!"

"But you are so beautiful, kind, wonderful!! It would be such a waste"

"You just haven't found the right one yet." 

But I'm fine.......REALLY. 

And is it a waste if I don't get married?

...is love EVER a waste? 

Which isn't to say I'm not open to falling in love, getting married.

I just know that for me personally, I don't see it as the ultimate goal.

I understand that for myself relationships can mean meeting, coming together on this path, learning/growing/loving madly and deeply, and then parting when the time is right. 

Accepting heart break, heart ache, letting my heart burst open so that I can experience even more love. 

 

Maybe even ASKING for heartbreak.

As you can tell, my feelings about it are a little all over the place.

I am in love with all of my wonderful friends, with animals.. How you chose to show up in this lifetime doesn't concern me, male or female, I choose to love you. 

Lost in Love,

Sandesh

Because It Isn't Healthy To Be Serious Always

Uprooting can bring some interesting results.

Changes in reality, personality, perception, emotions, physical body, etc.

But it also means your body is exposed to a lot of weirdness that it hasn't encountered before. So you just expect weirdness to ensue. And it does!

Getting food poisoning now isn't a big deal. You half expect it. Which isn't to say I am manifesting it...I just accept it and move on. 

Here is a picture entry of the odd body things that have happened so far.

I'm pretty amused!

Plus it is nice to have a non-serious post every now and then. 

First off, the unavoidable, finally a real traveler now.. food poisoning, which can last for days! You never really know. This time, 4 days.

Let's not leave out the most exciting and joy bringing experience of some type of undentifiable infection on the face. You just know it is bad by the faces thai pharmacists are giving it. 

Unexplainable wart, heat blister things.

Dog bite, mainly bruised and very swollen, only 1 puncture. But 5 shots in one visit and having to go back 4 more times for shots. 

Unexplained hives

Aaaaaaaaand, more food poisoning! 

Not to mention countless mosquito bites. 

I'm to the point now where I am highly amused by the weird things that happen.

See y'all in 3 months.

Lovingly yours,

Jeni Peni

Choosing Love, Choosing Magic

Choosing love when you know it is going to be too short, temporary, and gone way too quickly...it's a terrifying thing because you know at the end of it, you're going to feel heartbreak.

The kind that doesn't just make you cry but you feel it physically knotting up your insides. 

This applies to relationships AND friendships.

Some relationships you know are going to be short term, your paths will meet, you'll grow, but you'll also know when it is time to part because that's all you needed from the other person. 

That's what I'm choosing to do. 

I realized today how much I love and adore my friends here. 

My sweet friend got so upset when I told him I leave in May, his wonderful brain went into action on how I could remain here and make money. He knows a friend, a place...somewhere I could work. Just don't go. 

And my other amazingly wonderful friend asked, "Are you sure you don't want to stay?" 

That's a very complicated feeling answer.

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Should I come back and live here longer?

Yes.

No.

Maybe. 

I don't have the answers for now, understandably. That is sooo far in the future, I have to stay present in this moment, that's all you can do. 

But, I can already feel how hard it is going to be to say goodbye to everyone here. I fall in love with my friends, that's just how I am. When you surround yourself with wonderful people, how can you not? 

I'm going to continue to say yes to love.

Yes to amazing conversations that end up being hours long on accident.

Yes to connecting with music and elevating each other.

Yes to revealing, vulnerable shared words of life stories and deep feelings. 

Yes to loving the wonderful, authentic, unique individuals that make my Chiang Mai life so beautiful.

Yes to deepening our relationships even though we only have a little more than 3 months left together.

I'm also saying yes to life being magical.

My rumi/best friend used to make fun of me for making the smallest things seem like the most extraordinary. I remember coming home with blueberries once, so excited about them, offering them to her every few minutes with eyebrows raising up and down and a smile on my face. She laughed and said how I make it seem like a wonderful magical event. 

If we are creating our realities, how do you want yours to look?

I'm going to continue choosing magical for mine.

And so far, that's what it is!

Acknowledging the constant flow of mournful goodbyes and awaited hellos,

Jeni Peni

p.s. someone wanted to see what I eat here normally. I can't remember who? But here are a few pictures haha I mainly eat a lot of veggies, rice and tofu. 

Also, the things that I have grown to LOVE that I didn't like before: Spicyness (I can't get enough damn spice.. even the strawberries have a mixture of sugar and chili sprinkled on them and it is so delicious), bubble tea, ovaltine (Ovaltine cookies are the best thing ever..ovaltine shakes are even above that), rice. 

Pad Thai, of course, for 45 Baht=$1.50  (I use all of that chili in the packet on it and could use more...)

Big Noodles, Veggie, Egg 30 Baht=$1

Omelet with Veggies and Tofu over Rice 20 Baht=66 cents more or less

Streetside fruit (best thing ever.) 10 Baht=33 cents

Abundance of delicious smoothies. This one is avocado banana with honey on top. It was a little bit more just because of the restaurant I was in 65 Baht=$2.15

Khao Tom Mad, sweet sticky rice with banana in banana leaves 2 for 10 Baht=33 cents

Aroy mak!!

Update, List, and Some Political Ranting.

Heya!

Thought I would do an update blog...

I am volunteering full-time at the Wheelchair Project at the hospital, 5 days a week. Then on the weekends I am at the dog shelter. The WP fixes, fits, and distributes wheelchairs throughout Thailand and surrounding countries. When we aren't traveling, people come to us everyday to fix their chairs or get new ones. It is a really interesting and unique experience. I'm pretty much thrown into it and expected to learn through watching and doing. Luckily, I am good at that! I've learned how to become quiet and observant. 

If you know me, you know I love tinkering with tools.

But I love connecting with people most of all. Even though my Thai is still very limited, connecting with someone through looking into their eyes and sharing laughter is extremely powerful. Heaven knows, I love to laugh! And the Thai people love it. 

I can't believe 2 months have passed but also that I have 4 more months to go! I'm interested to see what happens!

                                                                 Lessons of Thailand:

1. If there is a sidewalk and a sidewalk higher to it, take the higher one. Expect motorbikes to sneak up on you otherwise (or come straight at you on the damn sidewalk). 

2. If is safe to assume you aren't being understood and should try to explain further.

3. Never buy anything full price.

4. Drive like a Thai person or you will be hit.

5. Learning a dance to a popular Thai pop song is a good way to get approval.

6. Sharing rice whiskey makes friends.

7. Smiles/laughter are worth more than gold.

8. Exploring who you are without cultural, societal, relationshipal boundaries is a big mind trip. I think everyone should do it by themselves at some point in their life. 

9. Cuddling is one of the best things in the whole world and I will appreciate it 1000x more when I get back.

10. I loathe the phrase "getting back to real life". Everything is real life, you have just created a sad reality that is shackled in boundaries. 

11. Never underestimate the power and wealth of freshly laundered clothes, a hot shower, and drinkable running water.

12. Sharing poetry, sharing my voice has been of the best ways to break down walls and connect to others. The power of vulnerability and creativity is incredibly huge.

Last thought...

Lots of debates about Gay Rights intertwined with Freedom of Speech.

I want to be clear--

I love that we can say whatever we want (but know that the NSA is and can monitor everything that you say AND you can be detained indefinitely without a trial... I don't see many or enough freaking out about that..) Duck Dynasty man, Westboro Church, you, neo-nazis, hippies can all flap their traps and that is a beautiful thing! Keep flappin', let's get somewhere! 

My question though is, when did we become picky choosey over which rights we believe everybody to have vs. the rights we think only some should enjoy? 

I've been writing pro-gay editorials since Jr. High...

I'm pretty damn proud of Utah right now. 

I still love all of you,

Jeni Peni

^Typical Thai ad

Am I Brave Yet?

Okay...

It's happened..

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE!!

...with THAILAND!!

Let me be honest..

the first month of living here was hard. Really hard. I cried way more than I would let on. I've always acted like a toughie, ever since the 5th(ish) grade, when I arm wrestled all the boys in class..and won. I push and push myself, through emotional and physical pain, determined to do more than what people think I am capable of and what I think I am capable of. It can be good but I am trying to soften. 

Having said that, I wasn't sure how long I would last here and now, I have to say, I don't want to leave. I love the crazy chaotic flow of traffic, lizards crawling all over, the food, driving a motorbike (I love it. so much. I want to get a motorcycle now.), buying fruit from the side of the street for 30 cents, eating with skewers, every dessert, every fruit shake, volunteering, learning, singing for strangers, realizing so much about myself. I also love how much I get to talk to people back home. It has opened up communication and I get to talk to them more than ever before (except Kate, who is MIA all the time :P ) 

And yet, I don't feel brave. I feel satisfied, proud, and content but not brave. I'm not sure if I've set the bar so high for myself that I just don't feel it or I am mistaking emotions. It's interesting.

I've started volunteering at Care for Dogs where I help take care of 180+ dogs who have been rescued from accidents, the streets, abuse, meat trade, or who are ill with cancer. I love it! It's sweaty, smelly, messy, loud but soooo wonderful! (Similar to the classroom I worked in. Bahaha right, Ben and Linda?)

In a few weeks, I will be meeting with someone from The Wheelchair Project to discuss volunteer opportunities. The WP fixes/puts together wheelchairs and distributes them all over to Thailand to those with disabilities. I am REALLY excited about it :) 

Tonight was my first capoeira class and I love it!! I knew I would. I took it because it is the closest to dance as I can get.. It feels so good to move again and have my feet hurt badly. I can hardly walk. But apparently, I am a natural, which is nice to hear. The teacher told me, "with a student like you, you will teach me soon!" I doubt that very much hahah and will continue to stay humble. I get the movements but when it comes to "playing the game" I get nervous. I look forward to moving without thinking and learning to flow.

Anyway.. long blog.

Love you all! 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

(Me being nasty with my open blister on my pinky toe, avocado shake, vegetables! MMM.) 

"I just want a good sandwich."

I just had my first meal without rice or noodles for the first time in 21 days.

It was a veggie pesto sandwich... and it was fucking delicious.

(not to mention the mango lassi I had with it!)

My last partner used to make fun of me because he knew what the answer would be every time he asked what I wanted to eat..

"I just..want...a good sandwich." [add some hand gestures in there that look like I'm measuring a basketball] 

I'm happy to have found the restaurant after an emotional up down day of dealing with a newly developed face skin rash thing and tiny little black ants making me wonder how quickly I could go insane. I'm happy I got to see my brotha Khushbir Singh today though! He made the day a lot better and turned situations into something comical.

I moved to an apartment in the heart of Chiang Mai city. 

I like it so far except for the black ants. They are so so tiny, you think you are going crazy when you feel them. Also.. I saw them climbing into my little bluetooth iPad keyboard..so, I hit it out and sure enough, 10+ little buggers fell out. I hope they are getting squished as a write this blog. 

Hopefully I can find a way to kill them and get some kind of peace throughout the night. 

On the bright-side, I'm grateful they are not cockroaches. (if you are wondering, yes I have dealt with cockroaches already. One climbed up my leg the first night I spent at Ban Bon Doi) 

To keep it short, summary of awesomeness/hardness that has happened:

--local fair with Thai Boxing in Mae Wang. We were the first foreigners to attend and we got to sit in the 'VIP' section. We were even announced as special guests. I was really embarrassed and stared at a lot.

--Connected with old locals with Fonne (the girl who was hosting me) and an American couple (some new friends) at Mae Wang waterfall. Accepting a whiskey shot from a local seems to be the way to make a friendship around here. 

--Getting to follow two Karen hill tribe women up into the forest to forage for mushrooms for their dinner. They have never taken foreigners up with them. They showed us their wild buffalo, took us back to their village, offered to let us stay with them, and we harvested vegetables with them. 

--Moved to an apartment in the city

--Consider it a success when I don't itch a mosquito bite until it bleeds

--Felt more alone than I ever have in my whole life

--Felt complete bliss

--Read 'The Alchemist' by Paul Coelho and have fallen head over heels for that book. It has kept me going.

--'You're Not Alone' by Mavis Staples is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane during hard times. I play it at least 5 times a day because I love it so much. 

Yep.

To cheer me up tonight, I took myself out to dinner. 

I'm convinced, Mango lassis cure anything.

Black Ant Destroyer,

Jeni Peni 

p.s. I just got my first 1 hour foot massage. It was fantastic and I am going back tomorrow morning for a thai massage. I'm excited to get so much worked out of my body. If you have ever had the pleasure of trying to fix the anatomy of my shoulders, you understand what I am talking about. Plus human contact is so appreciated. I've hugged maybe 5 times since I've been here. 

Sabai sabai

Tonight is my last night at Baan Hom Samunphrai.

It was spent with my new friend Asiya and her friend who just flew in, piled together on a bed, watching "The Letter Writer" on an ipad mini. (Eating chocolate! Thanks Asiya ;) )

I like when movies becomes something special to do, not an all night every day happening. 

Christopher was on my mind a lot today. I forget how long of a path some things are. I get down on myself for not progressing quicker or healing faster. Luckily, my teacher, Clinton, would remind me that some things take a whole lifetime. I have a lot of grief (from many situations, old and recent) that I realized might take a very long time to ease and that is okay. I at least say 'yes' to dealing with it. 

I'm moving to a farm in Ban Bon Doi. Here is the link, if you are really that interested:

http://helpx.net/host.asp?hostid=21475 

To say the least, I'm nervous. I don't really know what to expect but I know that it will be perfect in its own way. It's always scary to step out into unknown territory, even for a "brave" person. I think being brave is being scared (even the "I'm definitely going to pee my pants" scared) and just doing it anyway.. shakiness, tears, and all. I'm okay with not being graceful about everything, I think that is a load of crock anyway. 

But I'm also very excited to start doing some work! 

I love all of you very much and appreciate the continued support and kind words I receive. It truly means the world to me to feel soo much love from so many beautiful people. Thank you thank you thank you. I wrote this last night in my journal and it feels right to share:

     "I truly believe life should be lived in an uncomfortable manner. Covered in bug bites, sweating, tasting the new nectar of a foreign language.

     I think it is important to be away for a while, periodically, from the people you love the most. Not just to realize your love for them but how much you are loved.

     I don't believe in petty games between crushes or people you like.

     I believe in getting to the heart of things as quickly as you can manage that day, in every person, situation, and relationship.

     Music can be a bridge.

             Food too.

     I believe in being whole-heartedly you for every moment of the day, knowing YOU won't be the same all the time. Change is perfect.

     Authenticity, honesty, integrity, faith, kindness, independence, dependency on the Divine, and laughter are all very important to me.

     Sat nam."

To a new paragraph in this chapter,

Jeni Peni 

(the first shot I saw when my mom facetimed me hahaha)