Choosing Love, Choosing Magic

Choosing love when you know it is going to be too short, temporary, and gone way too quickly...it's a terrifying thing because you know at the end of it, you're going to feel heartbreak.

The kind that doesn't just make you cry but you feel it physically knotting up your insides. 

This applies to relationships AND friendships.

Some relationships you know are going to be short term, your paths will meet, you'll grow, but you'll also know when it is time to part because that's all you needed from the other person. 

That's what I'm choosing to do. 

I realized today how much I love and adore my friends here. 

My sweet friend got so upset when I told him I leave in May, his wonderful brain went into action on how I could remain here and make money. He knows a friend, a place...somewhere I could work. Just don't go. 

And my other amazingly wonderful friend asked, "Are you sure you don't want to stay?" 

That's a very complicated feeling answer.

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Should I come back and live here longer?

Yes.

No.

Maybe. 

I don't have the answers for now, understandably. That is sooo far in the future, I have to stay present in this moment, that's all you can do. 

But, I can already feel how hard it is going to be to say goodbye to everyone here. I fall in love with my friends, that's just how I am. When you surround yourself with wonderful people, how can you not? 

I'm going to continue to say yes to love.

Yes to amazing conversations that end up being hours long on accident.

Yes to connecting with music and elevating each other.

Yes to revealing, vulnerable shared words of life stories and deep feelings. 

Yes to loving the wonderful, authentic, unique individuals that make my Chiang Mai life so beautiful.

Yes to deepening our relationships even though we only have a little more than 3 months left together.

I'm also saying yes to life being magical.

My rumi/best friend used to make fun of me for making the smallest things seem like the most extraordinary. I remember coming home with blueberries once, so excited about them, offering them to her every few minutes with eyebrows raising up and down and a smile on my face. She laughed and said how I make it seem like a wonderful magical event. 

If we are creating our realities, how do you want yours to look?

I'm going to continue choosing magical for mine.

And so far, that's what it is!

Acknowledging the constant flow of mournful goodbyes and awaited hellos,

Jeni Peni

p.s. someone wanted to see what I eat here normally. I can't remember who? But here are a few pictures haha I mainly eat a lot of veggies, rice and tofu. 

Also, the things that I have grown to LOVE that I didn't like before: Spicyness (I can't get enough damn spice.. even the strawberries have a mixture of sugar and chili sprinkled on them and it is so delicious), bubble tea, ovaltine (Ovaltine cookies are the best thing ever..ovaltine shakes are even above that), rice. 

Pad Thai, of course, for 45 Baht=$1.50  (I use all of that chili in the packet on it and could use more...)

Big Noodles, Veggie, Egg 30 Baht=$1

Omelet with Veggies and Tofu over Rice 20 Baht=66 cents more or less

Streetside fruit (best thing ever.) 10 Baht=33 cents

Abundance of delicious smoothies. This one is avocado banana with honey on top. It was a little bit more just because of the restaurant I was in 65 Baht=$2.15

Khao Tom Mad, sweet sticky rice with banana in banana leaves 2 for 10 Baht=33 cents

Aroy mak!!