Am I Brave Yet?

Okay...

It's happened..

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE!!

...with THAILAND!!

Let me be honest..

the first month of living here was hard. Really hard. I cried way more than I would let on. I've always acted like a toughie, ever since the 5th(ish) grade, when I arm wrestled all the boys in class..and won. I push and push myself, through emotional and physical pain, determined to do more than what people think I am capable of and what I think I am capable of. It can be good but I am trying to soften. 

Having said that, I wasn't sure how long I would last here and now, I have to say, I don't want to leave. I love the crazy chaotic flow of traffic, lizards crawling all over, the food, driving a motorbike (I love it. so much. I want to get a motorcycle now.), buying fruit from the side of the street for 30 cents, eating with skewers, every dessert, every fruit shake, volunteering, learning, singing for strangers, realizing so much about myself. I also love how much I get to talk to people back home. It has opened up communication and I get to talk to them more than ever before (except Kate, who is MIA all the time :P ) 

And yet, I don't feel brave. I feel satisfied, proud, and content but not brave. I'm not sure if I've set the bar so high for myself that I just don't feel it or I am mistaking emotions. It's interesting.

I've started volunteering at Care for Dogs where I help take care of 180+ dogs who have been rescued from accidents, the streets, abuse, meat trade, or who are ill with cancer. I love it! It's sweaty, smelly, messy, loud but soooo wonderful! (Similar to the classroom I worked in. Bahaha right, Ben and Linda?)

In a few weeks, I will be meeting with someone from The Wheelchair Project to discuss volunteer opportunities. The WP fixes/puts together wheelchairs and distributes them all over to Thailand to those with disabilities. I am REALLY excited about it :) 

Tonight was my first capoeira class and I love it!! I knew I would. I took it because it is the closest to dance as I can get.. It feels so good to move again and have my feet hurt badly. I can hardly walk. But apparently, I am a natural, which is nice to hear. The teacher told me, "with a student like you, you will teach me soon!" I doubt that very much hahah and will continue to stay humble. I get the movements but when it comes to "playing the game" I get nervous. I look forward to moving without thinking and learning to flow.

Anyway.. long blog.

Love you all! 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

(Me being nasty with my open blister on my pinky toe, avocado shake, vegetables! MMM.) 

"I just want a good sandwich."

I just had my first meal without rice or noodles for the first time in 21 days.

It was a veggie pesto sandwich... and it was fucking delicious.

(not to mention the mango lassi I had with it!)

My last partner used to make fun of me because he knew what the answer would be every time he asked what I wanted to eat..

"I just..want...a good sandwich." [add some hand gestures in there that look like I'm measuring a basketball] 

I'm happy to have found the restaurant after an emotional up down day of dealing with a newly developed face skin rash thing and tiny little black ants making me wonder how quickly I could go insane. I'm happy I got to see my brotha Khushbir Singh today though! He made the day a lot better and turned situations into something comical.

I moved to an apartment in the heart of Chiang Mai city. 

I like it so far except for the black ants. They are so so tiny, you think you are going crazy when you feel them. Also.. I saw them climbing into my little bluetooth iPad keyboard..so, I hit it out and sure enough, 10+ little buggers fell out. I hope they are getting squished as a write this blog. 

Hopefully I can find a way to kill them and get some kind of peace throughout the night. 

On the bright-side, I'm grateful they are not cockroaches. (if you are wondering, yes I have dealt with cockroaches already. One climbed up my leg the first night I spent at Ban Bon Doi) 

To keep it short, summary of awesomeness/hardness that has happened:

--local fair with Thai Boxing in Mae Wang. We were the first foreigners to attend and we got to sit in the 'VIP' section. We were even announced as special guests. I was really embarrassed and stared at a lot.

--Connected with old locals with Fonne (the girl who was hosting me) and an American couple (some new friends) at Mae Wang waterfall. Accepting a whiskey shot from a local seems to be the way to make a friendship around here. 

--Getting to follow two Karen hill tribe women up into the forest to forage for mushrooms for their dinner. They have never taken foreigners up with them. They showed us their wild buffalo, took us back to their village, offered to let us stay with them, and we harvested vegetables with them. 

--Moved to an apartment in the city

--Consider it a success when I don't itch a mosquito bite until it bleeds

--Felt more alone than I ever have in my whole life

--Felt complete bliss

--Read 'The Alchemist' by Paul Coelho and have fallen head over heels for that book. It has kept me going.

--'You're Not Alone' by Mavis Staples is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane during hard times. I play it at least 5 times a day because I love it so much. 

Yep.

To cheer me up tonight, I took myself out to dinner. 

I'm convinced, Mango lassis cure anything.

Black Ant Destroyer,

Jeni Peni 

p.s. I just got my first 1 hour foot massage. It was fantastic and I am going back tomorrow morning for a thai massage. I'm excited to get so much worked out of my body. If you have ever had the pleasure of trying to fix the anatomy of my shoulders, you understand what I am talking about. Plus human contact is so appreciated. I've hugged maybe 5 times since I've been here. 

Sabai sabai

Tonight is my last night at Baan Hom Samunphrai.

It was spent with my new friend Asiya and her friend who just flew in, piled together on a bed, watching "The Letter Writer" on an ipad mini. (Eating chocolate! Thanks Asiya ;) )

I like when movies becomes something special to do, not an all night every day happening. 

Christopher was on my mind a lot today. I forget how long of a path some things are. I get down on myself for not progressing quicker or healing faster. Luckily, my teacher, Clinton, would remind me that some things take a whole lifetime. I have a lot of grief (from many situations, old and recent) that I realized might take a very long time to ease and that is okay. I at least say 'yes' to dealing with it. 

I'm moving to a farm in Ban Bon Doi. Here is the link, if you are really that interested:

http://helpx.net/host.asp?hostid=21475 

To say the least, I'm nervous. I don't really know what to expect but I know that it will be perfect in its own way. It's always scary to step out into unknown territory, even for a "brave" person. I think being brave is being scared (even the "I'm definitely going to pee my pants" scared) and just doing it anyway.. shakiness, tears, and all. I'm okay with not being graceful about everything, I think that is a load of crock anyway. 

But I'm also very excited to start doing some work! 

I love all of you very much and appreciate the continued support and kind words I receive. It truly means the world to me to feel soo much love from so many beautiful people. Thank you thank you thank you. I wrote this last night in my journal and it feels right to share:

     "I truly believe life should be lived in an uncomfortable manner. Covered in bug bites, sweating, tasting the new nectar of a foreign language.

     I think it is important to be away for a while, periodically, from the people you love the most. Not just to realize your love for them but how much you are loved.

     I don't believe in petty games between crushes or people you like.

     I believe in getting to the heart of things as quickly as you can manage that day, in every person, situation, and relationship.

     Music can be a bridge.

             Food too.

     I believe in being whole-heartedly you for every moment of the day, knowing YOU won't be the same all the time. Change is perfect.

     Authenticity, honesty, integrity, faith, kindness, independence, dependency on the Divine, and laughter are all very important to me.

     Sat nam."

To a new paragraph in this chapter,

Jeni Peni 

(the first shot I saw when my mom facetimed me hahaha)