Choosing Gypsy, Choosing the Longest Long Distance Love

I'm baaaaaaaack.

and weird.

Adjusting and integrating has been extremely difficult. It took almost a week to come out of the shock from being back and the jet lag too. 

I get easily people overwhelmed, place overwhelmed, American food overwhelmed, story overwhelmed and emotionally overwhelemed but just trying to flow with it. 

Not really wanting to be back doesn't mean I don't love and cherish everyone here and I feel I have to reitarate that. I am happy to see everyone and adore all of you AND I feel extremely loved and valued here. 

Just be patient with me. 

I'm a little up in the ethers and allowing myself to be there for now. 

And choosing to express myself authentically and it might not be what people want to hear.

I don't really have a home or maybe it is just that I have many homes and that is not how I normally am. I'm called a "free spirit gypsy soul", when really, I would love to just have a cozy house. But that is exactly why I HAVE to do what I am doing now and to keep pushing my boundaries and expanding, I refuse to live a comfortable, bubble life. 

I'll be in Salt Lake, Oregon, Nebraska, Utah again, and then Colorado for the rest of my time in the states.

If you didn't know,

I'm going back to Thailand!!

one big reason

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE

I've never been in a long distance relationship before and now I have one literally halfway across the world. Neither of us ever pictured being in this space but...here we are! We're choosing to love bravely, maybe even silly, and following our hearts. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, I've never felt this way before and I am blown away by the amount of love he shows me and all of the mushy gushyness that I am enjoying... we write each other poems, letters, express love through drawings, ridiculous amounts of laughter, tried and failed attempts at telepathic communications

and it is wonderful!

We're just letting this journey take us where it will and experiencing being away from each other but we reaaaallllyyyy look forward to seeing each other again. 

I'm trying to stay as present as possible but also being gentle with myself.

Well,

that's where I am.

Thanks for being patient with me, everybody, and supportive of my decision to leave again. Thank you for all of the love that I so strongly feel!

Weirdly here and there,

Jeni Peni

Ending the Way it Started

big fat kisses!

xoxo

Happy Mai

Oookay, it has almost been 2 months.

How did that happen?

and...where the hell do I begin?

My Mom visited me for almost 3 weeks and we had a wonderful time in Chiang Mai and Southern Thailand :) bumming it on beaches, riding elephants, exploring sea caves, enjoying really weird Thailand tours, and stuffing our faces with Ovaltine Cookie Milkshakes. 

From my last blog post, I'm pretty sure I manifested this (though I'm not sure anything is really left up to us anymore...)

but I'm dating someone in Chiang Mai. He's the nicest man in the whole universe, intelligent, compassionate, an amazing writer/poet/rapper/dj, hilarious, goofy, and all around incredible. 

It's safe to say that neither of us really know where this is going after I leave (and probably/possibly return [sorry, Dad]) and I think there are no expectations. Maybe hopes? But we both have an understanding of the unexpected way life works, which is to also say...we don't understand it at all. HA! 

I was spending the majority of my time volunteering at the dog shelter all day in the crazy triple digit weather, which is only going to get worse. But the shelter is closed for a little bit because of parvo virus, unfortunately. However, I am working on a special project to get 4 temple dogs adopted. They are living in a cage because they kill chickens (what dog wouldn't enjoy this?!) and the monks wanted to kill them. But an older Thai woman (who already has 9 dogs at her place) rescued them and is taking care of them. 

At the shelter, I had a weird thing happening where every dog that I specifically really loved was adopted all of a sudden. So, I'm hoping with the combined efforts of media, the shelter staff, and the adoption manifestations of my love, we can get ALL of them adopted before I leave. 

During my mandatory time off from the shelter, I spent 2 weeks with Pichet, the "master" of Thai Massage. I arrive at 9:30, Pichet will give a Dhamma talk for as long as he feels called to, we do morning prayers, Pichet normally demonstrates on somebody, and then we just work on each other until around 4pm. His method is to pretty much not teach anything--except listening. No protocol, no sequence, no "try this move". 

He had a huge impact on me. He specifically liked to work on me and kept saying I was a "good body teacher" (because my body was so messed up and it was easy to feel). He also liked to hit me on the head with his knuckles hahahah.   

He said that my body injuries were not from now but from years ago, as a result of emotion and protection. And of course, he is completely right. I've had trauma of all sorts from the last view years accumulating in my body and wrecking it. Lots of therapist have worked on me and could not figure it out. Pichet worked on me for a short amount of time and it is infinitely better. I think it was a combined effort of his incredible ability to listen to the body and I was finally ready to let it all go... everything I've been holding onto for years and using as protection. 

This is what his Dhamma talks usually sound like,  (mai at the end signifies a question)

"We do.. I like, I want, I need... headache! create suffering!

happy mai   happy or no happy mai 

We have t-shirt but we cannot keep...you die, do you take it with you?

Ohh headache! Hangover! 

Too much thinking... not enough here *hits heart* 

It is from protection and fighting...not from fighting other people but fighting here *hits heart*"

On another note, I'm now the voice of a new app that is being developed for teens. A constant thing in my life is getting jobs without applying for them and I love that it is still true halfway across the world. It has been fun to do and I got paid for it! For 4 hours of work today, I just paid all of my rent. 

I have another special project that I'll give more details about soooooon!

There's a lot more but some things I just don't want to share.

It feels good not to share everything. 

I have a little more than a month left and I'm not ready at all to come back, even for a little while. 

I think people get offended when I tell them that.

But it's not a statement of my love for you. 

Not at all.

And I hope my friends and family can have that understanding when I come back, crying. 

I do love all of you though. 

And appreciate your presence in my life. 

Lots of mushy gushy love

-Jenifer

xoxo

weird 'Utah' graffiti in a shortcut alley I walk through

Under Pichet's advice and previous thoughts, I've taken out my belly button ring after 6-7 years

Met this soul sister at a Baha'i wedding we attended. (I already miss you Sahba! I can't wait until our paths cross once more)

Rock climbed in the jungle of Mae On with my friend Louis 

Daring to Delve into Delicious Depths

**Disclaimer: My opinion does not de-value your relationship or marriage. Congratulations for you, sincerely! I am so happy you followed your heart and are living your ideal. I truly support people to live and express love exactly how THEY choose to, as long as it doesn't bring harm to another person. **

If you have talked to me lately or read any of my posts on facebook... you'll know that marriage, love, and relationships have been at the front of my mind. 

Not the want of getting into one...

But exploring what they actually mean, what they mean to me.

And before you get your hopes up that this blog post holds the answers and my findings, I still don't know. 

I feel like I've plunged into a huge deep unknown. 

From the time we are little, we are told that we grow up, go to college, get married, have kids. 

We play 'married' as children.. you be the mommy! I'll be the daddy! 

We are fed rules, boundaries, perceptions, expectations as to what our relationship should look like. 

When I tell people I'm not sure I'll ever get married (in a happy, light, very much okay way), I'm met with:

"Don't worry, love will come around!"

"But you are so beautiful, kind, wonderful!! It would be such a waste"

"You just haven't found the right one yet." 

But I'm fine.......REALLY. 

And is it a waste if I don't get married?

...is love EVER a waste? 

Which isn't to say I'm not open to falling in love, getting married.

I just know that for me personally, I don't see it as the ultimate goal.

I understand that for myself relationships can mean meeting, coming together on this path, learning/growing/loving madly and deeply, and then parting when the time is right. 

Accepting heart break, heart ache, letting my heart burst open so that I can experience even more love. 

 

Maybe even ASKING for heartbreak.

As you can tell, my feelings about it are a little all over the place.

I am in love with all of my wonderful friends, with animals.. How you chose to show up in this lifetime doesn't concern me, male or female, I choose to love you. 

Lost in Love,

Sandesh

Because It Isn't Healthy To Be Serious Always

Uprooting can bring some interesting results.

Changes in reality, personality, perception, emotions, physical body, etc.

But it also means your body is exposed to a lot of weirdness that it hasn't encountered before. So you just expect weirdness to ensue. And it does!

Getting food poisoning now isn't a big deal. You half expect it. Which isn't to say I am manifesting it...I just accept it and move on. 

Here is a picture entry of the odd body things that have happened so far.

I'm pretty amused!

Plus it is nice to have a non-serious post every now and then. 

First off, the unavoidable, finally a real traveler now.. food poisoning, which can last for days! You never really know. This time, 4 days.

Let's not leave out the most exciting and joy bringing experience of some type of undentifiable infection on the face. You just know it is bad by the faces thai pharmacists are giving it. 

Unexplainable wart, heat blister things.

Dog bite, mainly bruised and very swollen, only 1 puncture. But 5 shots in one visit and having to go back 4 more times for shots. 

Unexplained hives

Aaaaaaaaand, more food poisoning! 

Not to mention countless mosquito bites. 

I'm to the point now where I am highly amused by the weird things that happen.

See y'all in 3 months.

Lovingly yours,

Jeni Peni

Choosing Love, Choosing Magic

Choosing love when you know it is going to be too short, temporary, and gone way too quickly...it's a terrifying thing because you know at the end of it, you're going to feel heartbreak.

The kind that doesn't just make you cry but you feel it physically knotting up your insides. 

This applies to relationships AND friendships.

Some relationships you know are going to be short term, your paths will meet, you'll grow, but you'll also know when it is time to part because that's all you needed from the other person. 

That's what I'm choosing to do. 

I realized today how much I love and adore my friends here. 

My sweet friend got so upset when I told him I leave in May, his wonderful brain went into action on how I could remain here and make money. He knows a friend, a place...somewhere I could work. Just don't go. 

And my other amazingly wonderful friend asked, "Are you sure you don't want to stay?" 

That's a very complicated feeling answer.

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Should I come back and live here longer?

Yes.

No.

Maybe. 

I don't have the answers for now, understandably. That is sooo far in the future, I have to stay present in this moment, that's all you can do. 

But, I can already feel how hard it is going to be to say goodbye to everyone here. I fall in love with my friends, that's just how I am. When you surround yourself with wonderful people, how can you not? 

I'm going to continue to say yes to love.

Yes to amazing conversations that end up being hours long on accident.

Yes to connecting with music and elevating each other.

Yes to revealing, vulnerable shared words of life stories and deep feelings. 

Yes to loving the wonderful, authentic, unique individuals that make my Chiang Mai life so beautiful.

Yes to deepening our relationships even though we only have a little more than 3 months left together.

I'm also saying yes to life being magical.

My rumi/best friend used to make fun of me for making the smallest things seem like the most extraordinary. I remember coming home with blueberries once, so excited about them, offering them to her every few minutes with eyebrows raising up and down and a smile on my face. She laughed and said how I make it seem like a wonderful magical event. 

If we are creating our realities, how do you want yours to look?

I'm going to continue choosing magical for mine.

And so far, that's what it is!

Acknowledging the constant flow of mournful goodbyes and awaited hellos,

Jeni Peni

p.s. someone wanted to see what I eat here normally. I can't remember who? But here are a few pictures haha I mainly eat a lot of veggies, rice and tofu. 

Also, the things that I have grown to LOVE that I didn't like before: Spicyness (I can't get enough damn spice.. even the strawberries have a mixture of sugar and chili sprinkled on them and it is so delicious), bubble tea, ovaltine (Ovaltine cookies are the best thing ever..ovaltine shakes are even above that), rice. 

Pad Thai, of course, for 45 Baht=$1.50  (I use all of that chili in the packet on it and could use more...)

Big Noodles, Veggie, Egg 30 Baht=$1

Omelet with Veggies and Tofu over Rice 20 Baht=66 cents more or less

Streetside fruit (best thing ever.) 10 Baht=33 cents

Abundance of delicious smoothies. This one is avocado banana with honey on top. It was a little bit more just because of the restaurant I was in 65 Baht=$2.15

Khao Tom Mad, sweet sticky rice with banana in banana leaves 2 for 10 Baht=33 cents

Aroy mak!!